Thanks to everyone who came to the site and gave of their
time, their money (well, not *their* money) and their writing
to SideMan. We reached the amount, and he's sprung from the
whoos-gow! If you wrote to Sidey, head on down the list and see
his reply to you!
LETTERS OF SUPPORT TO THE SIDEMAN!
Subject: Legal Help
Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 11:18:01 EDT
I can arrange for my personal lawyer, Matthew Murdock, to handle your case. The catch is, you'll have to give up crime, and become the butler for my Bunker. The plus side to that is, I have lots of lady friends visiting, and some of them enjoy guys who know how to cook hot wings. The choice is yours, Mister Side Man.
Hi PrezGAR. Thanks for the letter. That's a very intriguing offer you made there. Ladies who like guys who know how to make hot wings stop be often, huh? That is so tempting. You know, I think I could give up crime. That wouldn't be that hard to do. Of course, I think I would prefer another title than "butler", and I don't mean "manservant" either. Maybe something like "Vice-President in Charge of Cooking" or something like that.
So, are you going to send a car by to pick me up? Or do I need to... WAIT A MINUTE! Didn't you blow me up once? I don't know how I remember that, but I just realized that you put a microchip in my head and blew me up!
FORGET IT, PrezGAR! Sure, GlitterRock may not be the best boss in the world, but I don't ever recall him blowing someone up!
Subject: Hi SideMan!
Date: Wed, 04 Apr 2001 05:00:39
Hope things aren't too rough for you behind bars! I noticed that your bail-money link seems to be malfunctioning, as it's only registering $1.00 per click, not $100.00...but I clicked on it a couple times so I hope that helped.
Anyway, now that I have a computer that can actually load your page without crashing I thought I'd drop you a line. You are definitely missed, and I know Glitter missed your traditional hot-wing birthday cake. Hang in there, and I hope you enjoy my pictures whenever the PlayCapper Calendar comes out.
Yours for early release,
Hi Nyssa. Thanks for the letter. Playcapper calendar? Are you telling me that Glitter is withholding information like this from me? I'm sure he has a real good reason why he never mentioned that to me. That'll be one of the first questions I ask him when (and if) I get out of here. They're putting together a calendar in here, too. They want me me to be Mr. July, so I hope I get out before then.
Thanks again for the letter. Always nice to hear from the ladies here in the stir.
Subject: Bail for Sideman
Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 13:33:09 -0500
Sideman, sorry to hear about the prison thing. What's it like in the Bighouse? I'm always looking for new tax shelters (I already have plenty of bomb shelters), so I considered bailing you out. I asked my tax accountant if bail money was tax deductible, but he said no; sorry Dude, you're on your own. All I can suggest is that you try to get transferred to a prison in California. When the next rolling blackout hits, which will be soon I assure you, we'll bust you out while the alarms are off.
Hi MrAtomik. Thanks for the letter. What's the bighouse like? Well, there aren't as many rats as there used to be. I think they're using them in the food they're serving us. Thanks for considering bailing me out. I think that maybe you should get with Glitter's tax accountant. He finds all kinds of things that are tax deductable.
I tried to get transferred to California, but they said no way. They said I'm not a Beverly Hillbilly, so this is where I oughta be.
Thanks again for the letter. I appreciate it.
From: The Riddler
Subject: Puzzle for You
Date: Tues, 20 Mar 2001 12:18:09 -0500
What do hanging a picture and keeping SideMan in jail have in common?
It only takes one screw to handle each job!
I hafta remember that one!
Dear Riddler. You think you're really funny, don't you? Well, when I get out of here, I will pay you a visit. Here's a riddle for *you*: What do The Riddler and and cake batter
have in common? They're both better when they're beat.
Subject: (no subject)
Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001 20:40:03 EST
Dear Sideman - hi! How are things in "the big house"? I hope you get out soon. Glitter's update mentions that Xena Warrior Princess has moved to another network so yet another cataclysmic change has occurred during your, er, sabbatical. Sci Fi has been playing Harrison Ford movies which were good capping fodder, but I remain a "Classic" Capper - my favorite capping material has to be Star Trek. Mudd's Women was a good one, and recently we had the episode where Kirk puts on Romulan ears and Spock demonstrates Vulcan foreplay. Anyway, I hope you get out in time for a green beer or two.
Always Full of Blarney,
Hi Humoriste. Thanks for the letter. Xena's gone? Well, I get sent to jail, and the world falls apart. I better get out of here before they start playing "Seaquest" again.
As for Mudd's Women, Glitter gave me the honor of turning them away from the GlitterDome once. They wouldn't take their beauty drugs, so the boss said that they couldn't come in. We can't have any space hags in the Dome, now can we?
Anyway, thanks again for the letter. Hopefully, I'll be getting out of here soon.
From: Alex Gariepy
Subject: Being a prisoner sucks, eh...
Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001 15:08:31 -0500
When I first heard of you and GlitterRock's imprisonment, I was shocked. Well, not exactly, you see, I didn't expect Glitter's plan to #### over the ##### would work. Not that he's a bad supervillain, mind you, but anyway... where was I? Oh yes, I sent my outrage to my local Member of Parliament, who tried to raise it up with the Canadian Federal government to demand your release. Unfortunately, I got some crappy "Thank you for your letter" response and no response.
So we took to the streets. I rounded up 100 of my imaginary friends... er, concerned citizens... and marched on Parliament Hill to raise awareness to demand pressure. It was a nice, peaceful protest, until some guy who shall remain nameless thought it was a good idea to throw a molotov cocktail at the Bank of Montreal building down the street so we can afford bail. I don't know what happened next but I hear now that person is serving some time of his (or her) time in jail. Anyway, I finally got the government's attention... but apparently the American Feds said this was an 'internal matter', so it's back to square one for me.
Anyway, now I'm trying to raise more moolah for your bail through any legitimate means. So hang in there, SideMan, we'll help Glitter raise that bail for ya!
concerned Canadian citizen and former member of the "Free GlitterRock!" campaign
Hello Mr. Gariepy. Thanks for the letter. I appreciate all the efforts you went through up there in the Great White North. Glitter's plans are brilliant, but there is always something bad that happens. It's usually beyond our control. But one of these days, everything is going to fall in place, then "Watch out, world!" The dress uniform for all members of the military will be sequined uniforms, and officers will wear leisure suits! Mark my words.
Thanks again for the letter
Subject: Free Sideman, dang it!!
Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2001 21:19:03 -0500
Sorry to hear about the prison thing, Number One Henchdude. I'd help you out, but it would clash with the whole "Mighty Lanzman" superhero thing, don'cha know. Perhaps an anonymous donation could be arranged . . .
Hi Lanzman. Thanks for the letter. I understand how it is not wanting to tarnish your reputation. When the screws had me make license plates, I would purposefully paint them with glitter paint, and put disco balls in the corners. Maybe that's why they put me in charge of the Prison Prom this year. Hmm...
I appreciate the offer for the anonymous donation. But I think on the safe side, hold on to it until I get out of here. Somehow I get the feeling that if it is sent to the GlitterDome, it might mysteriously "disappear".
Thanks again for the letter.
Subject: Free at last, free at last (Glitter, anyway)
Date: Mon, 5 Mar 2001 17:55:23 EST
Can I have the pudding you left in the fridge of the henchmen's break room?
MadMatt - thug #4
Yes. And use up the whipped cream in the freezer, too.
From: The Gray Zombie
Subject: Well, ain't this something
Date: Mon, 05 Mar 2001 00:57:25 -0500
Here we are, up to our necks in a dimensional invasion set out by the Kortac, and one of our most valued members is behind bars. Boy, I tell ya, life stinks on ice...in the snow.....drifting across the driveway.....immersed in liquid nitrogen.
Too bad they didn't screw up and send you to "Paradise Island" instead.
That's a woman's prison.
The Gray Zombie
Hello Gray Zombie. Thanks for the letter. That's about the only good thing about being here, is that I get a rest from fighting the Kortac. Although I think my next-cell neighbor might be one. As for Paradise Island, I don't think I would have lasted too long. I probably would have given in to one of those single gals, and then... Wait, that was Temptation Island. Never mind.
Thanks again for the letter.
Subject: Bizarro not happy
Date: Sat, 3 Mar 2001 22:18:59 -0600
Me not happy you in prison. Me thinks you got raw deal. Me bust you out, but busy now. Me say goodbye now. Goodbye.
All I have to say is that you certainly have a way with words. Maybe when you're not busy, you could get bust me out of here.
Until then, I remain prisoner128182. aka SideMan
From: Dr. Kobras
Subject: greetings from Kobras
Date: Sat, 3 Mar 2001 22:18:59 -0600
SideMan, when I was told of your appalling predicament, all I could remember is how I felt when that horrible Pummamman defeated my plans for world domination and I was tossed in prison for the first time. It's a horrible place, filled with horrible people. I remember fondly the weekend you, GlitterRock and I went to Vegas back in '79, and how you talked me into impersonating the guy from "Warrior of The Lost World" in order to get us good seats at the cabaret. Those were fine days. I wish I could help you with assistance, but alas I've given up my supervillain ways. My continual defeats by that asinine Pummamman has broken my spirit. So if it's any small consolation, I've clicked onto the link ten times, thus raising \\$1,000 for your bail. Get out soon, old friend.
Please excuse me now, my break is almost over. And I do believe the drive-thru window is short on french fries.
Dr. Kobras (aka Trainee #4 at the Arby's on Wilshire Blvd. - employee of the month, January 2001)
Dr. Kobras! I haven't heard from you in a long time! I'm glad to hear that you are in such a groovy position. Maybe someday you will get to be Vice-President of French Fries.
That weekend in Vegas was something else. I still can't believe that you did that impersonation that many times. SIX TIMES! The worst thing about being in prison here is that there are no other supervillians in here. Oh well, I will have to endure. It was a real gas to hear from you.
Subject: One Henchperson to Another
Date: Sat, 3 Mar 2001 14:49:3 -0800
Since Glitter hasn't figured it out already, tell him he can raise your bail money by asking his Number 1 Hench Dragon for a high-interest loan.
Her Redness is always glad to help a fellow evildoer in need.
Hi Granamyr. It's great to hear from a fellow hench dude... dudette... dragon... Anyway, I don't know if I would want to be indebted to a dragon. If I know the boss the way I think I do, somehow I would end up on the paying you back side of things. I appreciate the thought though.
You know, I could use your assistance here in the big house. When the screws bring me my food, it's usually cold. It would be nice to have a hot meal for a change.
I guess I will just have to endure.
Thanks for the letter!
From: girly girl
Subject: You're in Jail?
Date: Sat, 3 Mar 2001 11:34:12 -0500 (EST)
When I heard that you and GlitterRock were arrested, I was in shock! How dare they arrest you two! Nothing personal, but I think GlitterRock did the right thing. I mean, he's on Caption This more than you, right? I know that I haven't capped with you that often. I think only once, really. But I just wanted to let you know that you're in my thoughts. I hope you get out soon!
Hi girly_girl. Thanks for the letter of support. I was as shocked as you were about it. If you and I were to switch places, you would probably not think he did the right thing. Contrary to what they show in the movies, prison isn't a fun place. And no Burt Reynolds to play football with.
I mean, have you ever tried to do the Hustle with a man? Well, you probably have, but that's not my point. I'm a dude! And besides, all the prisoners here are on to some lame dance called the Macaroni or something. I have to teach all these squares how to do a REAL dance!
Thanks again for the letter. It's always nice to hear from the ladies here in the clink.
Subject: Rotten Luck
Date: Thu, 01 Mar 2001 10:44:48
I was really shocked to find out that you and GlitterRock got arrested and put in jail. That has to really suck, man.
And what was up with GlitterRock freeing himself, and leaving you to rot? He is a real mean bean, if you ask me.
Tell you what, just in case you don't get out, how about sending me your hotwings recipe, so that the world will know what they lost when they locked you up? I'll make sure the world never remembers the name of SideMan!
Hi Amon. Thanks for the letter. I think the Glittery One and I were the most shocked of all. We were just taking a leisurely stroll through a high-security area. And how were we supposed to know? They said the signs were posted every ten feet, but that's when we decided to look in the woods. Oh well. And Glitter's OK, once you get to know him.
As for giving out my hot wing's recipe, forget it, you crude dude! As long as I have the secret, Glitter will do all he can to get me out of here (I hope...). And don't think I didn't notice that you said you would make sure the world wouldn't remember my name. You just made my list for ten most wanted when I get out of here.
I'll be seeing you when I get out of the stir.
Subject: (no subject)
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 18:59:44 EST
Glitter is missing you terribly. Just wanted you to know. And to cheer you during your incarceration, you didn't miss anything, just a big earthquake in Seattle. Maybe that was Godzilla, King of the Monsters, coming to your rescue. If you see him, tell him Humoriste says hi and she liked his last film.
Best wishes for a speedy return to the outside world
Hi Humoriste. It's always great to hear from the ladies here in the prison. The screws are putting it to me pretty good today. They took away my bible with the small pick I made, so I guess I won't be doing a Shawshank Redemption escape.
That would be great to have Godzilla come and free me. Maybe I could harness some of his nuclear breath and make my hotwings really spicy!
Thanks again for the words of encouragement. I hope I get out soon, too.
Subject: No Justice for the Wary!
Date: Wed, 28 Feb 2001 04:36:29 EST
Best wishes, SideMan!
You shoulda been the one to get out. But then, Letterman shoulda gotten the Tonight Show gig, so there really is no justice.
Yeah, I have to agree with you. David Letterman should have gotten the Tonight Show. I remember back when that cool cat Johnny Carson was the host back in the 70's. Now that was a show! Got to boogie now. I see my dinner, and I want to get it before it crawls out of reach.
Thanks for the good vibes!